Fear of losing

I felt fear and sadness every time he was being taken away from me. Since young, I’ve been experiencing stuffs being “conquered” and seized in front of me. Probably, those aren’t things that I hold so much affection, ownership in me. That didn’t managed to hurt me so bad.

However, ever since this little fella comes into my life, I felt there is something that I really treasure and fearing day & night that he might be taken away from me or worry that he isn’t closely tied to me.

Similarly, there are many things that we had accomplished or still trying to achieve, we usually failed in the first few attempts. It is through persevering mentality and some examples where we learnt of our shortcomings and avoid similar mistakes, in order to attain the desired outcome or object.

Ya.. examples…. Examples should usually be demonstrated in a easily understood method and positive attitude. However, there isn’t any element of that in examples being shown to me. I was simply dumped aside and left to think how could I have do it better. And certainly this leads to bad blood between me and the other party.

I couldn’t stand the sight of….. neither would I wanna live under the same roof with….. regrettably, I’ve no Plan B. F…. ya.. really F.. and screwed up.

To makes thing worse, those character and attitude are probably those attributes which I detest the most in my whole life. I know I’m not perfect, I, too have my shortcomings and undesirable attitudes. But I guess I didn’t portray them that much and I’ve somehow toned down bits, due to the life experiences I had and my unwillingness to invite more problem for my lovely girl.

As Cesar says, either we choose to Oppose, Submit or Avoid. As a member of the pack, I’ve chose “Avoidance” in order not to destroy the team cohesiveness. Simply not worthwhile.

Need some help here

27 May 2013

Shinji found out something. He couldn’t take it. He wanted to scream it out loud at the other party but he just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t sure if the other party was always trying to proof Shinji wrong or what.

It just doesn’t matter to Shinji. Shinji is tired. Probably and fortunately it’s only mentally tired. He tried over these years to accept and bear with it. But the feeling of anger just comes stronger each time and the worst part is he doesn’t know what to do or who to tell. With all friends occupied with their own lives, a damaged disconnection from his kin, he doesn’t have much choice. Neither can he narrate his pain to his beloved. Simply can’t do it.

Haha… Shinji have always been positive and patience and high tolerance fella. But he ain’t some super hero. He isn’t an emotionless robot. I guess his friends know, his kin, his beloved know. But what can they do when Shinji “loves” to gobble awful thoughts down him!

 Well luckily, he got me. I’ll try my best to comfort him. Hope he stay strong and push on.

插班生 - 逞强

27 Mar 2013

不常看电视节目的我，就在一次用餐时听到从客厅电视传来的这首歌，就被它吸引住。
美声~




A repost from facebook... Hope to sing this in ktv someday (if i rememeber).

Stay strong!!

22 Mar 2013

I was truly frightened moments ago...

After purchasing our dinner at Dominos, we were happily walking back towards the car, where she tripped upon an uneven floor and she fell forward. My jaws dropped and darted towards her. It was a fearful moment for us...

As her worrying tears flowed, my inner self crashed... but I just cant reveal that part of me. She needed my support.

Upon reaching home, we started talking to the little one inside her tummy. And we were glad that this lovely fella responded to our calls and start to wobble within. This ease bit of his Mummy’s worry and my heart calmed down.

Though there was no unusual finding, I still feel that a trip down to the gynaecologist will make us feel better.

Stay strong my little boy, and I hope to see u soon... =)

New Target

17 Mar 2013

New targets for Shinji:

1. Complete NIKE 10km - WE RUN SG 2013
2. Complete Standard Chartered Marathon 21km

Remembering an old friend, Ryan

13 Mar 2013

When Shinji attended secondary school one, he was the shy & silly fella who seldom talks to classmates. So there was a guy who somehow joined the same CCA, Wushu as Shinji. From then on, they trained during Saturdays, and most of the time, they walked home together. As the friend stayed near to school, he went home while Shinji continued his journey back home.

This friend was true to Shinji, he, who conversed with no sign of hiding. In Shinji’s memories, this friend was quite a trustworthy friend. Shinji still remembers till now (unsure if this friend still remembers), there was once they both sat on a bench at the void deck of this friend’s house. They both spoke briefly about their family background and some issues they faced with their family. Certainly, this suggests that there might be a positive amount of mutual trust between them, which allows them to pour their true words out. Shinji briefly that this friend of his had a good sister that dote him lots. And he truly admired him as Shinji wasn’t close to his own sister at all.

However, time flies… This friend decided to pursue his interest, Chinese Orchestra while Shinji remained faithful to his passion, Wushu. Added to that, Shinji’s academic results decline and he was posted to the last class during secondary two. From there onwards, he and his friend’s relationship distanced. Eventually, they became Hi-Bye friends by secondary four. They lost contact since then, until they got connected via Facebook again. But this time, they were merely Facebook friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

11 March 2013, Shinji saw one of his primary/secondary schoolmates wrote on this friend’s wall. She was asking him to stay strong and recover soon. Feeling curious, he checked on this friend’s profile. To Shinji’s surprise, there were lots of other messages telling this old friend of his to remain strong, keep breathing & etc. Shinji grew very concerned within himself and he look forward to check out this friend’s condition or latest update from their friends.

However, it was the end of whatever checking out or concern….

This old friend had ascended to another dimension that will take his pain, struggles, and most importantly his soul away from us. He left the world on 12 March 2013. Saddened as old memories flow back into Shinji’s mind. Moments ago, Shinji felt like breaking down after reading a blog entry written by his old friend:

Monday blue doesn’t just apply to working people only.

For a patient who requires weekly blood test, I detest Tuesdays.

Because the blast cells have entered the blood stream, and it’s still growing in numbers.

Because if leukaemia continues to thrive, chemo and transplant is inevitable.

But if the blood test shows stable blast quantity, I’ll have another week of happiness!

But if the blood test shows stable blast quantity, I’ll have another Tuesday blue.

 

Living week by week.

I can’t confirm my attendance for gatherings or friends’ weddings that’s not within this week.

I can only confirm meet up after Tuesday’s blood test, when I’ll know if my immunity is okay.

 

Living week by week.

I don’t know if I’ll get to use my passport if I renew it.

I don’t know if I’ll get married and start a family.

I don’t know if I’ll get to chase my dreams.

 

Life is so much full of uncertainties.

We can’t control every thing.

But we can control our emotions and attitude.

Life is not for us to dwell on the past.

Life is not for us to worry about the future.

Life is living in the moment.

 

His story: http://www.asiaone.com/print/News/Latest%2BNews/Singapore/Story/A1Story20121231-392592.html

Shinji count himself extremely fortunate… For this friend whom they didn’t meet along the streets for almost 13 years, he didn’t expect to meet again through this way. Never…

I’m sorry that I’m suddenly caught in a moment of sadness that I don’t know to write a meaningful ending for this entry. I just hope that this friend’s spirit lives on and his story will inspires others around. If you think you are in the worse situation or environment, you aren’t. look beyond your problems, you may be much much fortunate to be able to breathe easily without an idea when is your final moments on earth.

Bye my friend, you'll be better off up there. Take care~

 

Dont deserve to be titled

10 Mar 2013

“In the past, I don’t remember seeing you facing such difficulties in your university studies…….”

Upon hearing this, blazing flames burn Shinji’s mind almost immediately……

F*** you seriously....

Worried~

8 Mar 2013

Assignment struggling... Couldn’t concentrate at all....

Stomach been “thanking” (“XIE”) non-stop since Monday....

Shinji needs motivation...

And this morning appointment revealed that the little one still hasn’t get into position for his big day, makes his poor Mum and Dad worry. *especially Mummy. Shinji just pray hard that naughty little boy will turn his head downwards once he has enough fun swimming. Mummy’s swimming pool getting cramp there, so watch you time ok! Get in position when it matters.

Shinji is sure you will! =D

Independance

29 Jan 2013

One word i heard from a drama, which i very much agree. it's also something that my mum has been telling me.

"靠山，山倒。靠人，人跑。
还靠自己最好。"

Que Sera Sera

25 Jan 2013

 

This has been the song that I've remember since young and its lyrics hold so much meaning to me and it is something that my mum has been reiterating to me since young.

And now, I decided to sing this to my boy until he's born....
 

Que Sera Sera by Doris Day

"When I was just a little girl
 I asked my mother, what will I be
 Will I be pretty, will I be rich
 Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
 Whatever will be, will be
 The future's not ours, to see
 Que Sera, Sera
 What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
 I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
 Will we have rainbows, day after day
 Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
 Whatever will be, will be
 The future's not ours, to see
 Que Sera, Sera
 What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
 They ask their mother, what will I be
 Will I be handsome, will I be rich
 I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
 Whatever will be, will be
 The future's not ours, to see
 Que Sera, Sera
 What will be, will be...."

Hi doggie!

 23 Jan 2013 

Feel a sudden urge to continue to blog.

Lots of things have happen since then… You may think this blog is filled with cobweb and almost declaring shut down. It’s just that I could not manage to find time for writing.

Ever since school starting at #Un!5!M 2011 July, I’ve been writing on MSWord but purely for assignment submission. Now, it is because of a special, extraordinary gift sent from “up there”, that give me the thought of facing the laptop right now to pin down my thoughts. I guess it was also a sudden fear of forgetting the various milestones in my life which leads to my inability to narrate all these to my offspring.

Let’s talk about a dog in the house… who has been with them since 2012… if Shinji was to talk about his bigger regret in 2012, it was probably seeking his best pal’s assistance in purchasing the dog. Especially when this pal went personally to check out with the pet shop, asking the shop owner to “reserve” a few good puppies using his business relationship. Shinji truly owe him a big favor.

However, the dog wasn’t bought by Shinji. Why Shinji decided to help the buyer was because of the intention to allow Dad to be accompanied at home & for the buyer to have a sense of ownership and adopt responsible attitude. After a year had passed, perhaps it was wrong and didn’t turn out successful. Attitude didn’t change, duty was shed, couldn’t be bother with reading and learning the RIGHT way of provide a good and positive home for the dog.

Shinji regretted his decision. Holding the dog in his hands feeling pity for the poor dog that wasn’t given the desired care and concern. Argh… Well Shinji headed for the library to beef up his knowledge on dog’s behaviour and care. Enriching himself by following a new idol of his, #Ces@r M!ll@n (http://www.cesarsway.com/). so that is how he realised that all “care & affection” given by the family members were mostly incorrect. And now, the dog starts to gain dominance over them which pose to be difficult to remedy and potential pitfall for any new family member especially infant.

Can’t bear to see these incorrect actions to continue, Shinji decided to guide, explain and show them how to handle the dog correctly. Although now Shinji is somehow seen as a pack leader by the dog, it’s like a losing battle. Because he is going up against 4 other members. Added to that, he is going to have his own little family expansion soon. He knew he has to act fast to gain leader’s status in the dog’s mind. He wont want his child to be risked been bitten by a curious dog, pushed over by an overly excited dog, frequently scared by a dog severely lacking in exercise.

Thus, he needs to change his mindset now and try to influence those key family members in achieving a similar approach to tame this young pup and teach it how to behave like a balanced, calm and submissive domestic pet, DOG.

Ya... Start of brand new year

I was screwed...
 Time wasted...
 Sweat for nothing...
 late for collection...
 F###!!!

 2013 opening wasn't as smooth as i desires.

 Was sick for 1st week of Jan.

 Screwed by another new major case in work... 

Argh...


Please freaking get me out of these shit...